Parody...

This was written for an informal contest about a year ago. We were given prompts and had to write based on those prompts, but I was burnt out on the contest so I wrote this piece of tripe.
(the prompt was "soul kiss.")

I've read fifteen pages of the first book and saw the first movie (against my will) so that's what this is based on. If you're a Twi-hard or something, my apologies.

Reposting here by request.






Bella moved to Forks because her step-dad liked baseball and preferred traveling to games as opposed to raising children.. That was the reason on paper anyway. But in actual fact, Bella's mother felt that there was nothing left in Phoenix for Bella to complain about, and thought that a sojourn to a perpetually dismal locale with an emotionally detached father was just the ticket. The fact that Bella wouild have to transfer to a new high school was a bonus, ripe with angsty possibilities. To her mother’s thinking, it was better to keep Bella busy with bitching and moaning as opposed to drugs and sex.

Bella was appropriately apathetic to the news.


Bella’s father picked her up from the airport and they shared a delightfully awkward and silent car ride to his home. Soon after, she was reacquainted with old her friend Jake and his grandfather, both of whom sported silky black hair and enviable bone structures. Bella’s father also gave her a clunky pick-up truck which was so that she could have some independence and NOT because he was trying to kiss her ass.


The first day of school arrived and Bella twitched and tripped to her classes where—much to her dismay and chagrin—everyone adored her. Bella was perturbed. She had stuttered and mumbled her way through every introduction, and refused to crack a smile even one time, and suddenly she was in danger of becoming prom queen.

But one boy didn’t seem to like her. He didn’t seem to like her at all, and that confused Bella further. While her innate self rejoiced at having something else to complain about, another, deeper part of her was stirred by this vision in black, a boy beset with magnificent eyes of gold and deep cleft of chin. She was so much stirred, in fact, that against all that was natural to her (and to the teenage population of earth in general) she was prompted to inquire about someone other than herself.

“Who is that?” she asked the bubbly girl who had declared them best friends earlier that morning, but whose name presently escaped Bella.

“That is Edward Cullen. And those other pasty kids are his brothers and sisters. Their dad is a doctor and he adopted all of them and they are the most gorgeous people in the universe. But don’t bother trying to get to know them. They’re kind of snobby.”

“So am I,” Bella muttered to herself, narrowing her eyes at Edward. “So am I…”


In Science Class, Bella was assigned to Edward as lab partners because otherwise we don’t have much of a story here, people. He appeared simultaneously nauseated and aroused beyond control to have her sit beside him and abruptly vacated the room. Bella twitched and jerked angstily in return. The Bunsen burner flickered...forgotten.

On the way to the parking lot after school, Bella dodged three tedious prom proposals and stood beside her truck feeling quite sorry for herself. Edward Cullen was across the way and giving her the stink eye. Bella didn’t think that was fair at all. Fortunately, the most popular kid in school—she couldn’t remember his name—was doing wheelies in the parking lot and lost control of his car. It careered straight toward Bella. As the screeching hunk of metal came at her, she breathed a sigh of relief that her misery was about to be put to an end.

But Edward Cullen was suddenly there, and pushing the car away, and holding her in his pulsing, throbbing, deathly cold arms.

“How did you do that?” Bella whispered.

Edward’s jaw hung open in a tantalizingly stupid manner. “What?”

“Stop the car.”

“Er, I think you hit your head.”

“I know what I saw.”

“Let’s go to a meadow and I’ll explain everything.”

Bella nodded, climbed on Edward’s back and he ran like a super-powered chicken to a quiet glade deep in the forest.


“So tell me everything.”

“Oh, but it hurts me so.” Edward glanced at a spherical patch of sunlight that squeezed its way through the dense foliage above. “Come. I’ll show you what kind of horrible creature I am.”

Bella followed him to the circle of light, and watched as Edward undid the buttons of his shirt. He was muttering something about being a murderer, but Bella didn’t catch it. Edward stepped into the circle of sunlight and the hairless, muscular, porcelain skin of his face, neck and chest began to sparkle as though he had taped a million little prisms there. Or maybe rolled around in some glitter dust.

“See?” he said brokenly. “See what kind of monster I am?”

Bella cocked her head. “I’m not sure I…?”

“You don’t know what it’s like…”

“Well, it seems kind of pretty.”

Edward snorted. “Pretty.” He rounded on her, all pale and sexy and brooding. “You wouldn’t think it was so ‘pretty’ if you found yourself at a picnic with a ‘70s theme. I doubt you’d think being stripped naked…your wrists bound to your feet…to be strung up like a piñata, all because some asshole forgot the disco ball…”

Bella reached out a hand. “I never thought of it that way…”

Edward recovered himself and stepped back into the shade. He moved close. “Don’t you get it? I’m not a human. I’m a Something Else. Can you guess?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Go on, try.”
“I’m not good at things I’ve never done before and so I don’t do them.”

“Oh, come on. Please?”

“Okay.” Bella bit her lip. “A zombie?”

“Nope.”

“A unicorn?”

“Guess again!”

“A valkerie?”

“Oooh, so close! It is a V word…”

Bella’s breath hitched sexily in her throat. “Vampire?”

Edward closed his eyes. “Yesss… And that is why we can never be together, not ever, ever, ever.”


Two days later, Bella found herself at the Cullen’s home where the vampires charmingly attempted to make her a spaghetti dinner, sans garlic. Why they chose Italian food instead of something else where garlic wouldn't be an issue is not the point.

“So let me get this straight,” Bella said to the patriarch of the Cullen clan. “You’re all immortal..."

"Yep."
"And you travel around, from town to town…enrolling the vampires in a new high school every where you go?”
“Correct.”
Bella blinked. “You mean, they spend their eternities jumping from high school to high school? What kind of sick motherfu—“
“It’s for their protection,” the senior Cullen replied, whose name had slipped Bella’s mind. “So they fit in.”

There was some sincerely faulty reasoning going on here, but Bella was conscious that she was the equivalent of a side of beef hanging around a pack of rabid (but ungodly sexual) hyenas, and kept her mouth shut. And besides, the baseball game was starting.


It is a little-known fact that vampires are huge baseball fans. Bella wasn’t surprised; baseball games always seemed to drag on for an eternity to her, so it made sense the immortal undead were attracted to the sport.

But some Bad Vampires showed up and one—Bella didn’t catch his name—got a whiff of her humanity and went into a slobbering frenzy.

“Let’s go!” Edward said, and whisked Bella away.


“You’ll have to runaway now,” Edward said in the Ford Taurus on the way to her house. “That vampire will stop at nothing to eat you.”

“What should I do?” Bella moaned.

Thinking quickly and sexily, Edward said, “You’ll have to run away from your dad. And you’ll have to do it in a way that unnecessarily scars him for life. Otherwise, it won’t be believable.”

Bella nodded. “Can do. But where should we go?”

“Phoenix,” Edward said. “It’s the last place anyone would associate with vampires."

"Phoenix? I used to live there," Bella said, perplexed. "What a coincidence."
Edward shrugged. "Try not to think about details too much. It's easier that way."

So Bella destroyed her father’s life with a few choice words about what a douchebag he was for divorcing her mom and ran back to Phoenix.



Meanwhile, back at school, the other kids were in a tizzy over Bella’s absence. They were shocked, therefore, to see her return just in time for prom on the arm of Edward Cullen. A walking cast adorned her right leg.

She didn’t tell them she’d battled the ravenous undead…”I tripped over a garden hose.”

The kids shook their heads and chuckled appreciatively. “Oh, that Bella. Such a klutz!”


Edward and Bella danced in an outside gazebo, he barely able to contain his throbbing…emotions.

“I want to be a vampire, too,” Bella whispered. “I want what you are.”

Edward frowned sexily. “You don’t know what you’re asking. The hunger is constant and unless you want to be a murderer…”

“I want to be like you.”

“Bella, I had a hedgehog for lunch today…”

“Please, Edward.” Bella leaned forward. “It’s not bad, I know it. It’s like a kiss…where your soul and mine are joined forever. Kiss me…”

“Actually, it’s more like I bite your jugular with my teeth and drink your blood.”

“Yes…”

“Then, after sh*tting yourself, you die a painful death and wake up again all sparkly and monstrous…”

Bella frowned. “Hmmm. I’ll sh*t myself?”

“Quite likely, yes.”

Bella sighed and leaned her head against Edward’s sexy, yet creepily heartbeat-less chest. “Maybe I won’t be a vampire.”

“Good.”

They danced slowly and after a moment, she brightened. “But you know what are really cool? Werewolves!”

Edward sighed. “Oh, bother.”
I know almost nothing about Twilight, but you definitely make me want to watch it now. :D

Great to read your writing again.